Guest Star Movie Diary

+ a newsletter by sad boy howdy

This week, I swapped newsletters with dream interpreter to the stars, Autumn Fourkiller (sad boy howdy). Autumn has interpreted for some truly fantastic writers, including Ann Friedman, Kristen Arnett, and Chloé Cooper Jones, so check out the archives, as well as my own attempt at dream interpretation. Regular Deeper Into Movies programming will resume in two weeks.

In this issue: a whole bunch of body horror streaming on Tubi and the like.

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I have recently acquired a television. It was gifted to me by my good friend, who is abandoning me in Oklahoma and moving to the big city with her brand new fiancé, and she said I could have basically whatever I wanted from her house, because she is, at heart, a minimalist, and perhaps also so I wouldn’t threaten to tie myself to a tree, etc. 

Things I also received for being calm and collected: a projector with a Roku attached, a snow globe collection, a Dutch Oven, a PlayStation (the very first one), a twin bed for my guest room, a side table, a blanket with a tiger on it. 

Part of my brand, besides the dream thing, and the being very sad thing, is being a grandpa/relative hermit who has no use for new-fangled technology, nor gets out very much. Yet here I am! With a television! In my very own living room! And access to most of the niche streaming services this great wide world has to offer! We didn’t even get the internet in my neck of the woods until like, two days ago. In my previous residence, a very haunted house, the television was possessed, so I didn’t use it much. But anyway, who cares about that. I’ve moved up in the world: I’m a Movie Guy now! 

I mean, I’ve mostly watched Golden Girls and Murder, She Wrote in a fugue state, but I’m trying to be a Movie Guy. I didn’t know where to start, though, at least not at first. The only writing about movies I read is Celia’s [editor’s note: this is a horrible practice and I completely disavow it], and the only movies I watch are the ones I ask Celia about. Examples ranging from: “should i watch this y/n” or “between X, X, and X what should i watch” or “i am so dumb i watched the wrong PREY AND IT WAS FOUR HOURS LONG,” etc.

Perhaps I’m wrong, but I hope that this journey, this cinematic quest, if you will, will tether me to this earth a little more. That I will feel more connected to those around me because of it, not just a spirit in limbo. That said, my choices on this list might shock you—is this what I really meant by connection? Or did I mean connective tissue—but IRL bodies are the same level of horrifying, IMO, and a little exposure therapy ain’t never hurt a soul! (Dr. [REDACTED], if you’re reading this…) 

Humanoids from the Deep, Barbara Peeters, (1980) 

I like my horror movies with monsters, not devils or demons. It’s all relative, sure, but I’m kind of a germaphobe (the last few years have been great for me, thanks!) and for some reason devils-demons-Linda Blair movies come with a lot of… CGI fluid? Goop? And that kind of detail loves to burrow deep into my brain and never come out, so yeah, bring me swamp things! And practical effects! For some reason knowing something is Vaseline with red dye overrides my brain-to-weak-stomach-to-Obsessive-Compulsive-connection like no other. Humanoids is your typical creature fodder and loses points for the many sexual assaults the things from the deep inflict. Also? A Native guy (NAMED JOHNNY FREAKING EAGLE) is there and everyone, and I mean everyone, is weird about it. The homemade goo was pretty good though and the Wikipedia page is rife with drama. Yum. Still, like, one healing point probably. 

The Thing, John Carpenter (1982)

I do not know enough about John Carpenter to call him my boyfriend, but Kurt Russell’s character in this movie DEFINITELY is. Why is he so hunky? And so doomed? My two favorite things in a man. Basically, there is a Thing in Antarctica, and it is freaky and biologically advanced, and anyone could be an imposter. Anyone! I watched this in two sittings, as I do most things, though I much preferred the first half? Why, you ask? Well, I liked all the little character traits and neuroses of all the scientists and crew members before they, well… met their various fates. And the fates were gross, bloody, WEIRD. Also: plenty of outfit ideas here. Also also: sent me back into doomed by the narrative land, which isn’t the worst place. Better than stinkin’ Antarctica! (Pretty sure Robert Falcon Scott said this first). ONE MILLION HEALING POINTS ALSO I AM HETEROSEXUAL NOW! 

The Relic, Peter Hyams (1997) 

This movie is like, one year younger than me, yet its best depiction of Indigenous people is chanting around a fire with ceremonial drums (says the dream interpreter…). Anyway, it has an uber superstitious cop who loses his dog in the divorce, a HOT Lady Doctor, a weird ritual, a bunch of museum bureaucracy, and Bad Soup. That’s basically all I can say about this one, y’all. Anaconda (1997) was (worse) better. I absolutely hated all the descriptions of stinky smells. Five out of ten healing points. 

Critters, Stephen Herek (1986)

More goo! Little country sayings! NOT A GREMLINS RIP-OFF SAYS THE DIRECTOR! This movie opens on an asteroid prison industrial complex with a weird looking fondant-coated alien and mentions of some soon to be executed “Krites.” It goes just about as well as you could expect, with a little morality play, but not too much. Some highlights include shapeshifting bounty hunters, the made-for-the-movie song “Power of the Night,” and copious product placement. What more could I, newly TV-ed, need? 

A lot more. I have experienced Kurt Russell fully bearded and young and nothing will ever be the same. It was fun-ish, but it never really got me fully grossed out OR engrossed. 1.5 healing points, because I am afraid if I say less the Critters will be under my bed.

See you in Goo-topia, 

Howdy 

P.S. I have literally seen these four movies and maybe five others, so if you have any recommendations… send them via astral. 

Or email. Email is fine, too. I am ready to be Healed.